She's not annoying — I'm annoyed

I find my daughter really annoying sometimes. But then I realized I was the problem.

Because in order for me to find her annoying, I first need to be annoyed.

But hang on — what if I genuinely find her annoying because she's not acting logically, or she's letting her emotions get the better of her?

But then I think — what if my wife doesn't find her annoying, but I do? Do we then need a third opinion to come in to just help us decide?

What if there are three other people and out of the six, only I still find her annoying? Is she now just one sixth annoying?

And if all six people didn't find her annoying, then are we guaranteed she's no longer going to be annoying?

If I follow this logical sequence through, I realize who she is is simply a reflection of how everyone else thinks about her.

And that's not to say that she doesn't have any parts to play in this. It simply means that when I think she's annoying, I'm not simply observing it — I'm potentially also helping make it stick.

So I'll think — well, what can I actually do about this?

I think the better actual framing here is this. I only find her annoying because I'm feeling annoyed.

But do I leave it to her to stop being annoying, or do I find something that's within my control? Is it something that I'm saying? Is it our relationship? Is it something I could do better?

Because the moment I leave it to her to solve as a problem, then I'm no longer in control of this myself.

But that might also potentially mean that I need to work on my emotions first before I can bridge that divide. Because feeling annoyed is an emotion. And whilst it's a real feeling, I shouldn't let it drive decisions in my life — especially when I'm responsible as a parent to be the one guiding her and giving her feedback.

And the truth is, some of her being annoying is simply on her right now. But the other part of it is simply how I'm treating her. And that part — I have control over.

Because if I don't, she could really turn out to be annoying.