Parenting advice is framed wrong — the real frame is control

I think most parenting advice is taught incorrectly, because the real truth is a much more difficult pill to swallow.

As a father of a daughter, I realise: anything I perceive as a problem with my child had to come from somewhere, she's only 7. She only really has one channel to learn from right now: physical interactions with people.

That's primarily parents, then family, friends and school.

When I look at her and see a problem, I have three ways to think about it:

• She's the problem.
• The people around her are the problem.
• I'm the problem.

Now the honest answer is that it's a combination of all three - but only one way of me seeing things leads to me being in control. So which one is it?

If I see it as a problem the child has to resolve, then I'm just a spectator.

If I see the problem as being everyone elses that she interacts with, my partner, my family, her school friends - then again, I leave it up to them to resolve.

Now disclaimer: the child could really be having their own problems. In fact, every one around them also may having their own problems. This is going to be true for you too, but it's also not the point.

The only way for me to be in full control, is to see it as my problem - but that is a difficult pill to swallow.

Because the solution requires looking inwards and understanding and acknowledging all the potential flaws I have.

Because I can't change what I'm projecting into her if I don't first face whatever problems I may have with myself.

Only then from that angle can I fully understand

• What is it that I'm saying which could be improved
• What I modelling through my own behavior around her
• What environment and people do I expose her to

And it doesn't stop with just my relationship with her.

If the people around her are also shaping her — and they are — then what am I doing about that?

What am I saying to those people? What's stopping me from saying it? That's all hard work, but it's still mine to do.

Because I realise the other side of this is that I simply don't change anything about myself - and I leave it to hope instead.

And one day, when she's a parent, she might do this to her child — not because there's something wrong with her, but just because she never saw and broke this loop.